A Therapist’s View

SUMMARY: As I prepared to write my memoir, I had the opportunity to interview one of the women in my swim group, who is also a therapist.  She’s retired now, but her words of wisdom and advice about online dating still ring true. 

When we weren’t doing swim workouts together, my friend worked in a thriving practice, counseling couples, many of them on the verge of divorce. She also counseled newly-divorced single people who wanted to find a satisfying relationship. Some had a hard time moving on after their divorce.

Challenges For Older Daters

Newly divorced people who took the plunge into online dating after a long marriage were baffled and challenged by what they were finding online. For many, the last time they had dated, the internet, social media, and online dating didn’t even exist!  The romantic landscape had changed dramatically!

Before the onset of social media, the pace of dating was a lot slower. Older daters remembered a time when they contended with dating only one person at a time, not several. People would often meet through friends, who could vouch for the person being introduced.

Rejection and Trust

According to my therapist friend, some of her older clients coming off of a long marriage were terrified of putting themselves out there. They were afraid of rejection in the new dating world that they found. The pain of divorce also left them with trust issues.  Some weren’t yet over their pain and got out there too soon. Being ready to date after divorce is key to having a successful online dating life.

After experiencing the pain of divorce, my friend said many of her clients had a difficult time writing about themselves in a dating profile. During their divorce they experienced a loss of self-esteem, which made it hard for them to write about themselves in a positive way.  Depression and anxiety left them emotionally numb, without passion.  Online dating can amplify negative emotions. 

The Wild West

Those looking for a serious relationship in the new world of dating found it difficult to date multiple people at a time. I admit, when I was online dating I had a hard time juggling potential dates on several dating sites. It’s challenging to be sure!  I sometimes described online dating as feeling like I was in the wild, wild west!

There are many potential dates to choose from and in turn, much to sort through, including profile embellishments and in some cases outright lies. My friend’s clients often complained about meeting people who said they wanted a relationship, but in fact, didn’t. This re-ignites fears and stirs up trust issues and anger, causing many to withdraw from the dating scene. 

In counseling her clients, my friend urged them to keep working through their issues. By not doing so they run the risk of getting emotionally stuck, unable unable to move forward at all.

On the flip side, they may move quickly onto the next prospect but won’t allow themselves to get into a deep relationship. This too is a problem. It takes time to get to know someone, and in turn, develop intimacy.  

There’s no doubt that the negative effects of online dating can be overwhelming, but by dating smartly, they can also be overcome.

Words of Advice

After counseling scores of clients over the years, the biggest word of advice from my friend to older daters is to take your time before jumping into the dating pool. Go slowly. This is crucial when recovering from divorce. One needs time to grieve the loss of a relationship. It can be painful, but as my friend points out, in the suffering there’s a silver lining. It forces you to look inward and in doing so, you learn more about yourself. It helps you determine your dealbreakers, which can go a long way in finding someone compatible.

My friend the counselor advises that once you’re ready and you see someone online who catches your eye, meet as soon as possible. Written communication and talking on the phone can only go so far in getting to know someone. There’s a lot of non-verbal communication that occurs when two people meet. You can’t see it online. Even onscreen it’s not the same.  Smell and touch are an important part of personal chemistry.  We’re human, after all, not robots.